The meaning of "love"
by maron-chan
Summary: This is a short little fic, Crawford reflects on his relationship with everyone's favorite German ^^ light BradxSchu shounen-ai


A short little fic, this is Crawford's POV regarding his feelings for Schuldich, light shounen-ai so if that bothers you then don't read. This one has no setting in the official timeline so it's completely spoiler-free (though if you really want to place it somewhere it's probably between the end of the TV series & the OVA). 

Feedback is welcome & *greatly* appreciated - this is only my 2nd anime fanfic (& my first Weiss Kreuz ^^;;) ever so I really need extra input on it!! 

disclaimer: WK is copyright Koyasu Takehito & Project WeiB, I don't own the characters & if I did I seriously doubt I'd share ^.~   


The meaning of "love" (blech, title sucks, I know, I'm lousy at thinking up titles for stuff - gomen, minna!)   
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Love is a word I don't think I'll ever be able to use, in twenty-seven years of life I don't think I've every truly experienced it as an emotion. I know what love is and how it affects people but for me it's only been useful as a tool to manipulate people's feelings and actions. Though I have experienced feelings similar to love, that I'm sure of. 

Schuldich once asked me how I felt about him and it really threw me. Suddenly words failed and I didn't know how to answer and that was when I realized that I'd never really thought about it. I had always taken him for granted and since he never asked for anything in return I never felt a need to examine my feelings for him, there just wasn't any need for it. 

He waited for several minutes, patiently, for my answer, and finally gave up. He played it off with a little laugh and acted as though it was no big deal but as he turned to leave the room, I could see the pained expression in his eyes. What surprised me though, was the fact that it actually hurt me, to see that look in his eyes and know that I had caused it. 

I sat back down at my desk after that and tried to continue working but it was impossible, my mind kept flashing back to his face and his words "how do you feel about me". It was then that I first started to examine my relationship with the red-headed German and began to ask myself what my feelings, if any, were for him. I knew I cared for him but was unsure myself if it was simply because he was a teammate or if it were something more. I felt a certain amount of possessiveness over him, but still couldn't pinpoint exactly why it was that I had chosen to take the relationship to the next level. With Schuldich it wasn't just about sex, it was definitely something more. If a purely physical relationship had been all I needed I could've gotten it elsewhere, with no strings attached but Schuldich was a teammate and getting involved in a relationship with him brought a whole other set of complications. 

So why, I kept asking myself, why did I feel it was worth the extra complications, what did Schuldich offer that I needed ... wanted. The answer I got - Schuldich was just always there. Sometimes he was annoying, and a general nuisance when I had other things to do, but he seemed to understand my moods. He knew when to back off by the tone in my voice or the look in my eyes and when it was okay to press me and when I needed to be alone. He was there when I needed him, a constant stabilizing presence. Even when I was angry, and would take my frustrations out on him with an insult or a cold shoulder he still seemed to understand. Sometimes I know he took it personally but he never let it show, he would just take it all and still be there and when the mood would pass and I would go to him he never brought it up. He didn't ask for an apology, never expected one, he knew that I was sorry and that was enough. 

As little as I tried to understand my feelings for Schuldich, I tried even less to understand why he would want someone like me. In all honesty I was often rude and cold to him and he didn't have to take it. Schuldich had never been the type to accept that kind of treatment from anyone but for some reason the rules changed between us. Not to say that Schu was passive in the relationship, far from it, he just knew that was how I was, how I had to be. He understood how important it was to me to be in control and willingly let me keep it. I just took it all for granted, he was with me and that was that, the reasons why never mattered much. 

That's why it still amazes how one simple word, "love", could change so much. I never thought the word would have any meaning to me, honestly I never thought I would hear it said to me but when Schuldich said "I love you" one day I nearly fell over from shock. It was completely out of the blue, totally unexpected. We were sitting in my office, I was working at the computer as always, staring intently at the screen and Schuldich was sitting on the couch, reading over some memos when all of a sudden he started staring at me. I could feel the heat from his gaze so intensely that it made me stop mid-type and turn to face him. I asked him what he wanted, tone icy as I was irritated at having been interrupted and he simply smiled, that slight smirk of his, and said "I love you, that's all" and continued with his reading as if it were no big deal, not expecting a response at all. 

That really knocked the wind out of me, to hear those words flow so effortlessly from his mouth and to know that they had been sincere. But what shocked me the most was the tiny tear that escaped the corner of my eye and trickled slowly down my cheek. I couldn't remember having ever cried before, not even a single drop, and to be so affected, by a single word amazed me to no end. It obviously surprised Schuldich too because when he glanced back up and saw my face he immediately flew to my side, a look of concern on his face. 

I honestly think that was the first time in my entire life that I ever shed a tear, but then again it was also the first time anyone had ever said they loved me. I was literally left speechless, I couldn't reply and I couldn't say I loved him back. It was like a part of me deep down wanted to return the words but they just wouldn't come out. But Schuldich didn't seem to expect or even want a reply, it was more that he just felt a need to say the words to me and whether I returned the feelings or not was inconsequential. In a way that was truly a defining moment in our relationship. I still haven't told him how I feel, I guess I still don't really know myself and it seems wrong to lie to him, besides he knows me so well by now, he'd probably see right through the act and be even more hurt. I do my best to try and show him how I feel, how much I care and how important he is in my life and for now that seems to be enough. 

A gentle hand at my shoulder suddenly jolts me out of my thoughts, I look up to meet two shining blue eyes. I had been so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even hear Schuldich come in the room. 

"Daydreaming again?" he asks with just a trace of mocking in his voice. "You know..." he continues before I have a chance to speak "I don't think you ever did that before you were with me." his tone takes a serious note towards the end. 

"There were a lot of things I didn't do before I met you," I drawl out slowly, tone impassive, "I think your becoming a bad influence on me." voice unchanged though my eyes soften. 

He leans down next to me and puts his mouth right next to my ear, his warm breath making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up just ever so slightly. "Since you're not getting anything accomplished down here," he says, lips curving into a smile against my neck, "why don't you come upstairs and you can show me some of those 'things you never did before you met me'." he finishes, pressing a feather light kiss against my neck. 

A silent gasp escapes my lips and that's all the incentive Schuldich needs as he pulls me up out of the chair and tight against him. 

"I love you, Brad." he whispers against my lips. "I know Schu, I know." is all I can reply as he leads me up the stairs to our bedroom. 

For now that is enough... 


End file.
